Kyle and I often de-stress from the day by snuggling on the couch at night (when life isn't so glaring and urgent) by watching old T.V. series on Netflix or Amazon. Since we moved to Colorado, we've gone through House of Cards, Breaking Bad, vetoed Game of Thrones after a few episodes, and now we are onto Orange is the New Black. I had a moment the other night while snuggling in bed with the girls that made me think about the Valentine's Day episode of OITNB, where an interviewer asked inmates "What is Love?" Suzanne (so-called "Crazy Eyes"), played by Uzo Aduba, explained it in a way that hit home for me:
How simple, yet beautiful is that explanation? Back to snuggling with my 6-year old...this child is like electricity. She runs into our bedroom each morning, already talking a mile a minute. This morning, I hear the door "BLAM" open, and she ran in wearing a cape. Yes, a cape. We call her a minion because of her high-pitched voice and have even taken a picture of her hugging a yellow fire hydrant saying "Papaya oh-la-la!!!" Her mental energy flows outward through speech and physical energy. She cannot sit or stand still. On the flip side of this is a profound, loving little girl. She is the one that slept with me those first weeks after Ben's death and said things that blew my mind. Despite her frenetic energy, she is so very loving...on a deep level. Sometimes I feel like she would crawl right back inside of me she loves me so much.
We were snuggling in bed two nights ago, and she did her "thing." The pure, simple act of lying in silence beside someone makes her deeply happy and satisfied. She asked me to rub her arm, she laughed because it tickled "but it still feels good." Then, she said "I'll tickle your arm too." I pushed the hair back out of her eyes (like I used to do with Ben) and held her cheek in my hand. She did the same to me, then a huge "happy to her core" smile came onto her face, and she just stared into my eyes, smiling.
I get a little bit of religion every day when I experience that kind of love. I'm going through a life phase right now where I think a lot about transcendence and being Real...and how integral that is to being human, enjoying Life, and even finding God, in part by finding yourself. I've got a ways to go, but one thing I have discovered is that real "love," in spouses, family, children, and friends, is a required part of this search. Without the Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" kind of love, you can never truly be yourself and become Real, transcend past your limitations and imperfections to a place of happiness and resonance. Isn't life really all about just being able to sit in silence, look someone in the eyes, way deep down to their soul, and just Be. Just exist. Breathe. Let go of trying so hard. Let your eyes say "Hi, here I am, all of me." And, their eyes say "I know, and I love you for it."
That's how we can all "become more" Real. (OITNB)