Just a few thoughts on grief to follow up on my post from last night. So, how does the morning look after a night like that, one where you unexpectedly find yourself sobbing and unable to breathe? It was a restless sleep for sure, and I'm fairly certain I told Kyle that I just wanted to lie in bed for the next week and not get up. I called a friend (in this time zone!). Then, I took something to help me sleep and laid in bed wide awake for an hour or so, soaking up the memories from last year when we had to do the same thing. I smelled our friend's house where we were sheltered for weeks and let the comfort of being there wash over me again...the comfort of being allowed to just fade away at night into an oblivion of sleep where there was no tragedy, no grief, no mountain to climb. But, we always had to wake up the next day and go on. You absolutely have to. You have to hug and snuggle your kids, allow new (and old) friends to be there for you, and move forward building a new future. So, like last summer, I dragged myself out of bed and went for a run around the reservoir this morning.
It is hard to focus on the future at times like this. But, I think part of the grieving process is working through the past before you can move on into your future. I'm just now at the point of getting through the past and beginning to create a vision of the future ahead...without Ben and everything we cherished - our close friends, soccer, schools, teachers, community, work. But, I know there is a new reality, a new normal for us out there -- filled with much love, friendship, laughs, soccer tournaments, careers and community. It's just hard to see on some days.
A huge thank you to those who are supporting us right now and helping us create our new life.