A friend invited us today to join her family at a summer concert in the park here in Colorado. It is the second of the summer, and I haven't been able to make myself go yet. I know we should, I'm sure it is lovely and fun. I miss it. But, the memories are too strong right now. Tuesday night concerts in Ballard Park in Ridgefield were simply the best part of our summer. The kids looked forward to them all year. Summer 2013 brought baby Ben at the concerts lying on the blanket just taking in the sights and sounds. If we go to the concerts here, there will be an empty space, a gust of wind, a smell that brings back the Ben I held last summer. Laughing, running around the park holding his favorite toy, a ball, throwing it, giggling, picking it up and...all over again. There will be fireflies and glass jars, best friends, chatter, innocent children screaming and playing soccer, runs to the ice cream truck, dancing at the stage. All was well, all was love, all the time in the world....I just didn't know. How could I not have known and stopped the next few months? But, isn't that life...why this was so hard for most parents to swallow? We live most of our life believing we are in control. But, there is a reality that is hard to face -- we have them to hold, but we can never know when that day may come. That's why we have to live the life that fulfills us each and every day, love those close to us deeply and unconditionally, and never waste a moment. It's all too short. Those blue shoes in the picture...I searched for them for hours in preparation for the funeral. They were nowhere to be found until one day I located them at the bottom of our "escape route" suitcase. Something inside of me must have known...I needed to keep those with me. As I write this, I'm listening to a song that downloaded on my iPhone the weeks after his death. Those first weeks, I sat in our sunroom, writing, for hours on end, listening to music. It is Jason Mraz's version of "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye To Yesterday."
Yes, it is. I simply was not ready.
Maybe next week we can cross the hurdle of concerts in the park.
I love and miss you Ben!