Tonight, we enjoyed a wonderful U.S. Women’s World Cup soccer game with the kids and friends, in a venue with many memories from the “Ben days.” But, all I could think about was June 30th of last year. Where I was, how happy we were, what Ben was doing, how much time I thought we all had. How ignorant I was to take it for granted.
I finally got to text back and forth with a Connecticut friend. Now this isn’t just any friend. This was the person who had to be our rock in those first moments after Ben passed. These were our best friends, who knew Ben when he was just in my stomach, with whom we spent every weekend. What this friend doesn’t know is that I sit on my bed watching videos of Ben’s first crawling attempts on her floors, listening to her voice saying “Go, Ben, Go,” and we all clap.
When we got home tonight, I couldn’t help but just lie on the bed in Kyle’s arms crying and questioning….
Why can’t we all talk about pain? Friendship? And loss and grief? And the core of it all…love?
It's just too much, and we do it all in our own ways, in our own time. It breaks us in small ways if we deal with it head on, all at once.
But, pain, love and loss…maybe that is what let’s us know we are truly living. But, I don't want to know I am alive through this....I just want to hold and love my son.
In these days leading up to the one-year anniversary of his death. There is only one thought I have….
How could I not have known and saved him? It was the one day that I failed to text my husband and inquire about drop off at daycare. I could have kept Ben at home that day. I can't let go of that one moment, driving the girls to Vacation Bible School, when I actually passed his car on Main Street and wondered "how did he get to the coffee shop so fast?" I could have simply texted and asked...but my mind couldn't fathom the impossible as I passed the car, with Ben sitting inside. I simply thought "I misjudged when he left."
I’m so sorry, Ben. And, I’m speaking to all of our friends in Ridgefield, CT right now…I love and miss you. So very much it is beyond words. And, even more, I miss our life as it was. Those innocent beautiful days of last summer.
* Thank you to all my readers, who allow me to vent on this blog. It is my salvation. I do read your emails, and they give me so much renewed hope in humanity....they mean so much!