Hi strangers! I received an email yesterday reminding me that I have not blogged in quite awhile. And, she was correct. It has been a long tumultuous summer for me here in Colorado. A bit of depression reared its ugly head in June and spiraled to a climax a few weeks ago. But, I am thankful because it got me to where I am today. The positive takeaway from a journey like this summer is that it can get better! My doctor changed a few things and then I had a little "me time" in Aspen, CO, when the fall foliage was at its peak. It was a little excursion for me to find some peace so that I could just exist within myself, away from the static of life. Sometimes I feel like I've "found Ben" again but haven't quite found myself. My trip was for that single purpose, and it was a success in so many ways.
I had stopped writing (and running) for most of the summer, which should have been a huge red flag. But, I have my "voice" back and I'm off to the races again. Writing, running, family time. I feel more free in ways now than I ever have.
So, a little story from the past week. Kyle and I took the girls out to eat at Carraba's Italian Grill in town. I remember a moment when I looked around the table and noticed all four of us just talking, laughing and being silly.
When did that happen? Overnight? Was it a long year long or life long process? How long had it been since I had laughed without hesitation?
On the car ride home, the girls were out of control silly. Making jokes, laughing at themselves, snorting in the process. Kyle and I just looked at each other and smiled. As my oldest walked into our living room ahead of me, she threw her arms into the air like a bird preparing for lift off and screamed in a drawn out measure "I feel sooooo ALIVE!!!" and looked back at me smiling ear to ear. In that instant, I realized that *I* had helped enable that night to happen - by taking care of myself, getting better, traveling my own personal journey, finding myself, positive energy and balance. For when I laughed and existed with a positive peace and energy around them, they felt it and fed off of it. Through my freedom, I was allowing them to truly FEEL life again. We were all so intimately connected.
The next day, I took my youngest (a unique, spirited little girl) aside to chat with her. I had no idea what words would come out of my mouth, but I felt the need to tell her something. Something important. She looked at me with a little smirk, not knowing what to expect. I told her that I loved her, all of her, even the "talking all the time, mind running a mile a minute, coming out through physical movement" side of her. Also, I loved the sensitive, emotional side of her. And, most importantly throughout her life I wanted her to love herself. "Just always be you. And surround yourself with people who will love all of you. I'm one of them! I'll love and support you no matter what, forever. I'm always here for you." I asked her whether that made any sense, for there really were no words for my emotion.
"Yeah, mommy, it actually does make sense. Thank you!" And she leaned in for a hug.
The power of finding a place of positive resonance in life and existing at peace within yourself is amazing. It had made me feel alive too - possibly for the first time ever.